Backstory: Two years ago in church, a woman made this comment “We believe the story we tell ourselves. If the narrative in our head always tells us that we aren’t good enough, that we can’t do something, that we don’t deserve the things we want, or that life has to *look* a certain way or it’s not right… then THAT is what we believe. And we live our lives based on that belief.”

That statement really struck a chord with me. I realized that for the past few years, changing the story I tell myself is what I’ve been striving to do. The story I want to believe is one where I can do anything. I can be anything. Even with back problems. Even with bad knees and all my other physical problems. That I can try the things I’ve always wanted to try and say no to the things I don’t like. I want it to be a narrative that recognizes the good in others and celebrates with them! I want the voice in my mind to speak kindly about my body and physical appearance and stop using comparison and judgment towards myself and others.

Now I know what you might be thinking - you’re sharing a church quote with a pole dancing video?? Well, yes. I’m proving my point. You can be who you want to be and you need to stop letting the judgment of others stop you from trying new things! There isn’t a one-size-fits-all lifestyle. You need to find what fits for you and what makes you truly joyful. For me, it involves going to church on Sundays, FHE on Mondays, working in the temple on Fridays, and pole dancing Tuesday through Thursday!

Now I know this is a really long post, but we all know I’m a bit of an over-sharer I honestly just wrote this in the hopes that it might help someone who wants to change their story but feels discouraged or scared.

Don't sit and listen to lies you've always told yourself. That I'm too "this" or I'm not "that" because "I've never been able to do those types of things" before. If you can change your thoughts, you can change your behavior. You can develop new hobbies and conquer your own preconceived notions along the way. And so, I figured I’d share my methods that have worked for me with anyone that cares to read.

Each year I make New Year’s resolutions. I have this list in my notes of all the things I’m good at. The things I like about myself. Things I like doing. Big things and super tiny things. Then I have the stuff I don’t like or I feel like I’m bad at. Basically, I have written down every insecurity I have. I have a list of all my dreams and the things I’ve always wanted to try, along with my big life goals. I then add to the list anytime I hear of something that sounds fun!

Each year I look at those things I’m “bad at” or I don’t like about myself and I pick 10 and see how I can change my current narrative.

For January 2021, these were some of my beliefs that I wanted to change: “I’m physically weak. I hate working out. I can’t be physically fit with my back issues and pain. I have fat arms. I don’t love the way my body looks. I can’t dance…” there were more, but you get the point.

I then wrote down the sentences I wanted to believe instead; “I’m a beautiful dancer. I have strong arms. I find joy in exercising. I can still do things with my back problems”…

Now, I’m extremely realistic when setting goals so I knew that “working out” would probably change a lot of these statements. But going to the gym is my personal Hell. With my back and knee problems, there are very limited things I can do that don’t increase my pain. One of them is water- I’ve done water Zumba before but it’s such a hassle going and getting in the water, having to wash my hair, etc. It just wasn’t going to happen.

I also know that “going to the gym” can quickly lead me to the mindset that I need to lose weight and that is not a helpful road for me to go down.

With that in mind, I looked at the list of things I like to do, I’m good at, and ways I am motivated.

Some of the statements include, “I like being a part of a community. I’m good at socializing. I like being friends with people who have different beliefs and hearing their perspectives. I am kind of flexible. I can point my toes. I’m a good student. I do well following instructions. I am driven by responsibility and obligation. I follow through on commitments.”

They aren’t super big things- I mean some of the other things I have written are so small or might seem dumb to others, but they all matter.

Finally, I go through my list of “things I want to try” and I ask myself this question: “Who can help me? Can any of these things lead me to a person or group of people that have the ability to help me change my beliefs?”

I firmly believe that we were put on this earth to help each other and our ability to ask for help from others is the key to a joyful life. Jesus literally asked for help ALL THE TIME. He was constantly showing us how important it is for us to be good receivers of help. So I try and find people whose strengths are my weaknesses. Above all else, I try and find people whose *literal job* is doing what I need help with because it typically means they are passionate about it and *want* to help me.

Pole dancing was on my list of things I wanted to try. It checked my “helper box” because it had someone who was paid to teach me. It gave me pieces of things I love by being with others and having the chance to make new friends. It is mainly upper body and felt manageable with my physical issues and would help me feel stronger. I also liked that any body type can do it so I didn’t feel intimidated. It played to my sense of responsibility because I signed up for classes and someone was relying on me to show up.

In addition to pole dancing, I signed up for a “body image and weight management” class at UVU where someone is paid to help teach me and change my perspective.

Both of these seemed like a great place to start.

In my first pole class, I couldn’t get my feet off the ground AT ALL because I had absolutely zero upper body strength. I was genuinely so excited to see how bad I was because I knew it meant I would be able to see my progress as I continued trying in the weeks to come. I started slow- with one hour a week. Then as I got more confident I upped it to 2 hours a week. 2 years later I’m at about 5-7 hours a week. I started trying new things that scared me at first like Silks, Lyra, and Chair, and have made some incredible friends in the process!

I’m convinced that having a hobby as an adult is the most underrated thing ever. It’s so fun developing a new talent and trying something out of your comfort zone.

From my class at UVU, I started learning how to really change the way I view myself. In February 2021 I realized that every time I made a Marco Polo to someone (it’s basically a face time video) I apologized for the way that I looked by saying casual things like “Don’t mind my hair, I know it looks so bad”…or… “please ignore what my face looks like right now because I just woke up” or “sorry I look so bad just ignore the zit on my face…”

Then one day I said something like that and the spirit stopped me and said “That’s your face. That is the way you look. It’s time you stopped apologizing for it.”

Talk about a “come to Jesus moment”. Those words pierced my soul.

The very next day I decided to run an experiment and stop wearing makeup for a month to really accept what my face looks like. I didn’t wear that much before and had not worn makeup plenty of times so I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I was SHOCKED how much it changed my thoughts and feelings about myself and others. I realized just how often I compared myself to other women subconsciously. How many times a day I looked in a mirror and spoke negatively about my appearance. How much insecurity I honestly didn’t know I had when it came to the way that I looked. It’s not like I was super mean to myself before, but the amount of times that I would look in a mirror and instantly find something that needed to be “fixed” to make sure I was “pretty” according to social beauty standards… is absolutely insane.

I had no idea just how much of my value I put into my personal appearance. I realized my definition of “beauty” had almost nothing to do with qualities that weren’t physical and I sought to change that completely.

I decided to continue the experiment for the rest of the year. My goal was to look in the mirror and always like what I saw. To see my face as beautiful, even if society might not agree. To put a value on non-physical attributes, or if they were physical, to choose things I can’t change. When I did decide to wear makeup (which was about 5 or 6 times the rest of the year) I did it because I wanted to and not because I felt I wasn’t good enough without it.

Now I know that some women really love makeup and I’m not saying that we should all just stop wearing it, but for *me* I’ve never loved doing it and never truly believed I looked “pretty” without it on. It was never a fun outlet for self-expression and instead felt like a giant social obligation that was driven out of insecurity. All I know is once I stopped worrying about what I looked like and comparing myself to others, I had a lot more room in my mind to focus on just how incredible the people around me were, and just how little my self-worth as a daughter of God has to do with my outward appearance.

In the last couple of years I completely changed my story. I rewrote all my beliefs about my physical abilities, strength, and beauty. I was able to make new and amazing friendships as well as receive support from those who have always been there for me throughout the years.

I started with pole dancing and that body image class, but those things led me to about 10 other completely separate classes, hobbies, workshops, etc. that were full of more and more people and resources that helped me.

The point of all of this is… we have to change our narrative to a story we want to live! The truth is, you’re not too old, too busy, too big, too small, or whatever other lies you tell yourself. You have so many amazing, cool, and unique gifts specifically designed by God to bring you joy when you use them! There are a million people with gifts and talents who are willing and ready to help you- you just have to ask!

“Do it terrified. Take the leap even when you have no idea what you’re doing. Do it scared because if you don’t, you never will. If you wait for the perfect time it will never come- you have to make it the perfect time.” - Eaden Seavey (some random girl on tik tok who said this once and it really inspired me haha)

Here’s to more years of editing my story… I’m so excited to see what kind of help I’ll receive!